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Do I have to invite my divorced father's new fiance to my wedding?

Q. My parents broke up four years ago, and my father is now engaged to the woman my sisters and I feel was instrumental in causing the divorce. I don't want her at my wedding, but I want my dad there. My mother doesn't even know that he's engaged to this woman. Can I just exclude her name from his invitation? How can I make sure she doesn't show up?

A. You don't mention that your father's fiance did anything in particular to be "instrumental" in causing the divorce between your parents, so I am assuming there was no confrontation between her and your mother or sisters four years ago.

If you invite your father, etiquette dictates that you must invite his fiance. You and your sisters should tell your mother as soon as possible about your father's engagement.

Perhaps the family grape vine could assist you. Is there someone close to both you and your father - an aunt or uncle perhaps - who could intercede and explain to him the great discomfort you'd feel if his fiance attended? Ideally for you and your mother, he would respond to your invitation stag and leave the fiance home. However, you can't dictate that he do this. Excluding her from the invitation would give him full justification for not attending, and could provide a foundation for a permanent rift between you and your dad. Unless this is your wish, you must put her on the invite.

You must take pains to assure your parents won't have to be in close proximity to each other at any point of the event - this is courteous to both of them. You must also be prepared that one or the other of your parents may refuse to attend, due to the other's presence - in your case, your mother might not want to go under the circumstances. Unless you are willing to sever relations with you father though, you are obliged to invite him and his fiance.

If either of your parents refuses to attend your wedding due to the presence of the other, the situation is our of your hands. Both must be invited courteously, even if that means inviting a new partner you don't care for. My heart goes out to your mother, who may be blind sided if she isn't given warning about the fiance. Again, communications through a mutually close relative of yours and your father's offers a hopeful solution, but not a guaranteed solution. Your father may have to bring his fiance in order to keep peace in his new relationship. In that case, special provisions to make your mother as comfortable as possible are the best you can do. Your ushers and wedding party can help you to keep her engaged, and serve as a "buffer" if necessary. The bridal party and your wedding coordinator should be prepared in advance to keep a social distance between your parents at the ceremony and reception.

If either parent simply refuses to attend your wedding, he or she has my sympathy but not my understanding. This is your day, not theirs, and both of them should be there for you if you want them, no matter what discomfort they may feel.

Good luck to you and your family.

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