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Wedding Etiquette Questions: Ask the Etiquist

How do you deal with guests that want to bring children to an adult only reception?

Q. We put the word "adult reception" on the invitation, but we have an out of town guest who RSVP'd that they are bringing their small children to the reception. Is the proper etiquette to allow out of town guests to bring children? Should we discuss this with them and tell them that this is an "adult only" reception?

Please help.

A. If any children are excluded, ALL children should be excluded and it is poor manners for your invitees to RSVP that they are bringing uninvited guests with them, even if they are their kids.

On the other hand, they are in a difficult spot. They may not be comfortable travelling out of town without their children and think this is the only way they can attend the wedding. It's reasonable to assume they don't know any child care providers or qualified baby sitters in your town.

I suggest that you arrange and pay for a QUALIFIED individual to baby sit at another site during the reception, or in another room at the reception location. You could even arrange for the caterer to provide inexpensive meals from a children's menu if the children are going to be watched on site.

This would be a very reasonable offer on your part, but you should let the parents know that this is your plan. If they don't agree to it, you may have to explain that you can't have only SOME children and not ALL children to the reception because it would (justifiably) hurt the other guests whose children were excluded.

If the parents reject your offer and show up with the uninivited children, the best thing you can do at that point is to be gracious and avoid any negativity - don't make a scene! Try to relax and just accept it, and word will get out through the grapevine at the reception that this was unexpected and not a slight on your part toward other parents whose children aren't there.

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