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Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette

Second Wedding - Who's Invited?

Q: It is the second wedding for both my fiancé and I, and we are paying for the wedding entirely on our own. We've been engaged almost 2 years so that we would be able to afford the wedding I have always wanted (I didn't have a wedding ceremony/reception the first time).

We decided we would have a caterer bring in a light dinner to the church social hall for just our wedding party as our "rehearsal dinner" the night before the wedding (to keep costs down). However, my fiancé' would like his parents at the reception, which means his 3 sisters would also need to be in attendance since they are coming from out of town.

His daughter is a "greeter" since she just recently had a baby, but still needs to be at the rehearsal. That means her boyfriend and the baby will be there also, again, since they are driving in from out of town.

My sister, also pregnant currently, is our other greeter. If my fiancé's daughter brings her boyfriend, I feel obligated to invite my sister's husband as well, even though he is not involved in the wedding.

This snowballs as we then need to invite my other sister's husband - and thus their 2 children, my other sister's boyfriend, etc., etc. We have a wedding party that consists of 8: us, a maid and matron of honor, a junior bridesmaid, a best man, one groomsman, and a ring bearer. But, if I invite all those people to the rehearsal, we'll have over 32 people! This is definitely not the money-saver option we were hoping for!

I was of the understanding that the rehearsal dinner was a thank you for those in your wedding party. What is proper when it comes to whom should be part of the rehearsal dinner?
--TJ

Dear TJ,

You don't mention how much time you have between now and the rehearsal dinner, so I'll assume you are not up against a week or less deadline!

The rehearsal dinner isn't governed by precise rules of ettiquette - it's an almost anything goes celebration that lets your family's and other loved ones get to know each other before the formal wedding. It's an opportunity for toasting and relaxing.

You're in a tough bind, especially because so many participants are coming from out of town with their families.

Instead of trying to cut the size of the group at the rehearsal dinner, how about coming up with some ideas for making the party affordable and fun for the whole crowd?

Here are some ideas you can do at the church social hall:

1. Instead of bringing in a caterer, make it a pot luck rehearsal dinner at the church social hall. Your out of town guests might be able to bring deserts or food they can grab at a deli: salads, cold cuts, rolls of bread. Those in town could pitch in with trays of pasta and other hot dishes. If the church social hall doesn't have a microwave or facilities to heat the food, you or one of your local guests could lend their own microwave to the event. Stock up on sturdy, disposable plates and heat as you go.

2. Have a pizza rehearsal party. Prearrange with a local pizzeria to deliver a variety of large pies and a big salad at the appropriate time. They might be able to supply paper plates and disposable utensils too - find out in advance so you can bring your own if you have to.

Here are some ways to celebrate your rehearsal dinner outside, if the weather at that time of year permits:

1. If you are near an park or picnic area (with shelter in case of inclement weather), arrange with a local deli for prepacked picnic baskets with enough food for all. You can carpool your guests with as many cars as needed making a quick detour to the deli to pick up the picnic baskets.

2. If somone local has a yard big enough and a barbeque grill (and the willingness to host!), have a barbeque rehearsal dinner al fresco. Hot dogs and hamburgers, veggie kebobs and salads on disposable plates will keep clean up to a minimum.