Wedding Etiquette Questions: Ask the Etiquist

What are my obligations to throw a wedding shower for a second time bride?

Q. I attended my friend's wedding several years ago and bought her both a
lovely shower gift and wedding gift. She is divorced and now engaged to be
married for the second time. A newer group of friends who did not know her at the time of the first wedding want to throw her another bridal shower and want me to co-host (they want me to help bear the financial burden).

The bride has also registered for many expensive items through a registry. Only family members are invited to the out-of-town ceremony, but the bride seems to be making bids for gifts. What obligation am I under in terms of gift-giving for this second marriage that I'm not even invited to? I thought I "paid my respects" with the first round!

A. Although not every guest invited to a wedding needs to be invited to the shower, the reverse is not true: All shower guests should also be invited to the wedding. The shower guest list is often culled from the wedding invitation list. So right off the bat, you have no obligation to co-host a shower you traditionally wouldn't even be invited to, since you're not on the wedding guest list. Showers are also not that common for second time around brides, although they are not unheard of.

I'd suggest you point this out to the bride's new friends who are planning the shower. It is considered rude to expect anyone to attend a shower and provide a gift for a wedding they are excluded from.

Additionally, the rules of etiquette indicate that gifts are not mandatory at a second wedding (although they are common).

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