HOME >> Wedding Humor >> Wedding Planning Advice for Jewish Brides

Wedding Planning Advice for Jewish Brides

By Meshugeneh Mike and Plotzin’ Pete at Silly Music

First of all, you’re already ahead of the game: You picked a Jewish Groom!! You did, right? If not, start over. Get a Jewish man. They make the best husbands. They’ll start by building a pedestal, and then they’ll begin providing for your life.

OK, now that you’ve made the right choice for husband, let’s talk wedding planning...

Who’s Paying for the Wedding?

If there’s any way you and/or your groom can afford to pay, do it!! This way no one has a strong say in anything but you and he. Sure you can give your mother some say, but if push comes to shove (and it will) you’re the boss of the wedding. Pay if you can.

The Rabbi

Who's Rabbi?

Obviously if you have a Rabbi, there’s no issue. It’s going to be your Rabbi; or will it be your groom’s Rabbi; or will it be your mother’s Rabbi (not if you’re paying - see?)

This will be a test of how the two of you will be getting along. We’d suggest meeting with each Rabbi and talking it through in an honest and forthright manner. Then YOU decide. You need to get your future husband into the habit of who’s going to be the ultimate boss in the relationship, and it’s YOU! Don’t forget. He’ll be fine with that.

Remember, it was his mother who taught him how to treat women. You’re on safe ground here, trust me. At my house, my wife is definitely the boss.

The Wedding Food

The most important part of the wedding is the food.

If the food is good (and it better be), they’ll be talking about it for years ("Remember those little smoked fish on toast points? And what about the liver….divine!")

If the food is no good, they’ll be talking about it for decades ("The food was horrible… and such small portions!") Since all Jews are experts about food, you’re in a bit of trouble here. Just make sure you spare no expense to have the food be great. It’s worth it.

The Drinks

Jews, drinks? Next subject.

Seriously, have a good assortment of the best stuff and you’ll be in good shape with plenty left over. Also, make sure you have a GREAT champagne, preferably imported from France!

The Wedding Flowers

What do we know about flowers? Make sure they smell nice and are pretty. And plenty of them. Now that we think about it, why don’t you just let your future Mother-in-Law pick the flowers? That will give her something to do other than hock you about all the other details.

What to Wear to the Wedding

OK, now we’re getting into an area that we just don’t have a lot of expertise in. So why is this category here? Wear something pretty. Don’t scrimp on the price, because you only get married the first time once. Don’t pretend you’ll cut the gown shorter and use it for a future special event because you won’t, so just enjoy! It’s a special wonderful day.

The Wedding Ceremony*

Our advice: keep it simple, keep it short.

Your guests are all there to honor you and your special day, but that doesn’t mean you need to belabor the whole thing. Get to the partying, that’s really why they are there. And also, don’t get too sentimental with the promises, the poetry, the personal statements. Besides, how much will come to haunt you when the divorce comes? (Did we just say that or did we think it really loud?)

*Please note that this advice is from two men, so take it with lots of Kosher salt.

The Chupah

The Chupah represents the new home about to be created by you and your groom.

It’s open on all four sides, like our forefather Abraham’s house, so any approaching guests would be warmly welcomed. Your parents and your about to be in-laws will also crowd into the Chupah. Don’t worry, your about to be husband will immediately set about working to get you a nice big house. You’ll have plenty of room.

The Breaking of the Glass

Probably the best known part of a Jewish wedding. It’s an old tradition and we’re not completely sure what it means. Here are a few possibilities:

• Even in times of great joy, we reserve a moment to mourn the destruction of the Temple, without which our lives are incomplete.
• We should remember the fragility of relationships.
• The loud noise frightens away evil spirits that threaten to steal the souls of the joyous couple.
• It is the last time the groom gets to put his foot down!

We go with the last bullet point.

Gifts for the Wedding Party

We’ve mulled it over and over and the only gift idea we can come up with is the complete selection of Silly Music CDs. What better gift can you give to your best friends than the gift of laughter? None!! You can find our CDs at sillymusic.com or call our 800 number which is 866-SILLYMUSIC. Funny, huh?

And finally, what to do if your Maid of Honor’s mother decides to sing at your wedding? This happened at mine. There’s nothing you can do except hope for the best, have another glass of that great French Champagne and edit that part out of your wedding video.